losing2apathy

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 03:19:43 GMT

quick entry
cause im at ashley's for tonight
and shes got a xanga entry to write...

me and toph are officially going out =)
on this day, august 4th, my half birthday.

hazzahh!

^_^

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:54:11 GMT

the past week has been the absolute best week of my entire life. i dont even know if i can bring myself to write about it. i knew that it would be life-altering but i could never have predicted the extent of that alteration. i just cant even put it into words...ive been renewed, my connection with love and the world completely refreshed, and a new hope for the future cemented. in all the 16 years of my life, ive only managed to fall in love with one person...but in the passing of about 9 days, ive fallen in love with 40 amazing people. pf is my family. ive never felt so accepted and it is where i belong. it has saved me.

the mission trip of '07 to pipestem west virginia will forever stay in my heart.

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 02:43:06 GMT

YAY METALLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
\m/ haha fuckin EMMURE and STRAPPING YOUNG LAD ruleee!!!!!!! \m/
*rocks out*

Fri, 01 Jun 2007 15:54:16 GMT

happy june 1st!

yesterday i hung with ashley and caught up on some stuff.

then at around 8:45 i went to meet up with christoph at last drop in hopes of running around in the rain, but it had stopped by the time i got there. so we just chilled in his car and he played is...oh man...i gotta remember...his...mulasta? yeah?! i think thats right! =D its basically a keyboard you have to blow into and its todes insane =) so yeah then we decided to drive around town with hardcore music blasting ^_^ *love*

got home roundabouts 9:30 and stayed in the car for about 15 minutes talking about how mcr is a total disappointment now lol. came inside to show off the mulasta and found out i was in trouble with my father...cause i kinda just told him id be chillin with toph at last drop and that my mom would be picking me up, but i guess he tried calling my cell, which had died, to check that i found toph alright...and when he got the answering machine like 10 times he freaked out and came looking for me >_< so yeah...

my mom was cool with it and all because she loves toph and knows that i can take care of myself and make good decisions for the most part. we just had a little talk and then i decided to call my dad cause i figured it was the right thing to do. hes really one of the few people who really really piss me off...we're such opposites. hes such an idiot...luckily he didnt know about me driving with toph but hes was all upset about me being out on the sidewalk cause i could have been kidnapped and shit like wtf?! and how i should have been exactly where i said i was gonna be...like wtf?! im 16 and i was just a couple hundred feet from there for the most part >_<. god. he called me naive and shit which really pissed me off...cause i think i know everything. i understand i havnt lived as long as he has but with his philosophy i might as well stay inside my whole life cause its too risky out there in the world. pfft...hes the naive one here...he has no clue what goes on with me. no clue who i am, what my morals are, what my dreams are, what i want in life, what i believe in. hes too shallow to comprehend any of it really. fuck him. ive cut more over his ignorance and idiocy than anybody else.

fuck that.

yeah.

well at about 12:30 i woke up to huge booms of thunder and flashes of lightning illuminating the dark night and pouring rain =D it was fucking intense!!! >_< called christoph and sat awestruck watching and listening to the incredible scene from my window. it was fucking great. we both agreed there hasnt been that big of a storm in a longgg while. =D *LOVE* wish i could have gone out in it...oh well im sure ill have plenty of opportunities over the summer.

got up this morning at about 9:30, meaning i stayed home from school in hopes of maybe getting some projects done...or at least part of one >_< its already 11:30 and i cant seem to bring myself to get started just yet ughhh. SO fucking much to do...im getting into procrastinating really badly. aghh fuck.

but yeah...when i went on myspace today, i had a friend request from paul. that makes 2 guys now whove gotten on myspace for the specific purpose of talking with me. i dont mean to sound narcissistic but thats how it is. frank got back on his old one (for the first time in over half a year) and we've been sending messages back and forth. and paul just created one apparently and asked to be my friend. his only other friend on it is tom...so yeah. i dont even know. frank asked if me and paul are together and i have no clue where hed get that idea unless jon told him about what happened. so im wondering how many people know about whats been going on. im not even considering frank...hes not my type...i just dont feel like being with dan...and i think things with paul would get too serious. *sigh* im fucked up.

Sun, 20 May 2007 23:08:12 GMT

kevin-tom-sean

lately there have been three boys on my mind:

my feelings about them are as follows...

KEVIN: ill always be in love with kevin. everything about him has me hooked. sometimes i hate it...how vulnerable i am to him and how much shit he puts me through...and other times im just overcome with unconditional, all-consuming love for him. theres not a day that goes by where i dont think about him at least a dozen times; hes always on my mind. right now it seems as though the plan is that we're gonna wait to meet up until im 18...so that gives him a couple years to get his act together. it was he who suggested it. he wants to get his finances together as well as attempt to get his "sadomasochistic" tendencies and various psychoses in order. and by that time, ill be free to screw up as i please too. i cant help but worry that something will get in our way in the course of two years...that scares me to death. but we've come this far-a whole year and nine months of mutual infatuation. i dont plan on stopping our correspondence...and theres truly nothing he could do to hurt me more than ive already been hurt. he'll always be falling in and out of love with girls-even when we finally are together. and ill always become momentarily captivated by some new challenging personality. but there will never be one quite like kevin's. he'll can never be owned or tamed or harnessed or whipped. i think i like that instability. this blurb is relatively short in comparison to the other two...mainly because ive had time to observe my thoughts and experiences with him and to arrive at conclusions and get things figured out. i feel as though i truly do know him now inside and out. i love him. theres no other explanation.

TOM: oh tomm. well i suppose the reason hes been on my mind is because it was nearly a year ago that we started going out. probably one of the happiest times in my life...i cant even begin to convey to you what an astonishment to me it was that i hooked him, if only for a short while. i was just a nobody freshman, he a well-known gorgeous senior adored by all. and somehow we ended up together. hes actually a couple months older than kevin...theyre both 19 currently...and ill never forget how kevin would call me every night for nearly a week to support me when tom stopped calling...tom was one of the only boys to dump me. and he was one of the only boys i really cried over. there was just something about him, as ive said before. in school id see him and think he was the most gorgeous, adorable boy ever-just a shallow crush. but then when we started getting together i saw behind it all...i saw the true beauty, the pureness, the potential, that was tragically being destroyed, mutilated, and suffocated by the hardships of life, by some bad choices and weaknesses. the horrific tragedy kept me spellbound. i wanted to play doctor and heal that battered soul...ill never forget that smile...the way he would look at me and his whole face would completely light up like all the happiness in the world was concentrated through those animated eyes. i loved the simplicity of it. he was nowhere near being in my league intellectually, but there was so much to be learned and gained by just being in his presence and observing his interactions. he made me feel more special than any one person ever has...he was completely unashamed and would write me love notes during school, walk me to all my classes, wanted to be with me afterwards every day, called me every chance he got to the point where it was almost annoying...it was the closest thing to love i had ever gotten since kevin. *sigh* and now hes just a waste of life. i still want to save him...and i feel like something more has to happen between us for me to be having these powerful emotions towards him...i just know it. i guess we'll see what happens this summer.

SEAN: oh sean...where to even begin with him...hes quite the character and i just cant figure him out. i dont understand how any one person can be so apathetic. hes got no excitement for life...and i guess thats where i see myself coming in...i want to give him excitement, make him wonder, add some element of depth to his existence. see a pattern? hes smart, thats for sure, and thats why i like him. and conversely thats why i dont trust him. as ashley has warned me, hes one of those types who are good with words and manipulation. his actions are always so contradictory...every single thing he does is a contradiction for gods sake. not that hes a hypocrite but nothing he does makes sense. i guess this is what captivates me most about him. he calls me nearly every night and talks about how much he cares about me, and then when we're together in person he hardly shows any sign of affection. he treats everyone the same. how is that possible? its not natural. it makes me wonder whether its just not in his nature or whether hes afraid or what. i want to dig through the superficial, un-human shell hes grown and find the real person thats inside. but im afraid that when i do ill see nothing special in what ive found and grow bored and uninterested...because quite honestly, now that i think about it, without my perplexity hes nothing but the odd clever rebuttal. so i suppose ive just arrived at my conclusion with him...which is more than a bit disappointing...i thought he had more potential. i always thought he was so much like kevin, but he'll never compare. if he wants me, he needs to feed the fire. so far ive been running on my own sparks of curiosity. im at a loss as to what to do now that ive realized this...ive recently promised him some important things to me. i dont know if im willing to give them up for the sake of a shallow experiment with a visible end.

POST PROM HYPNOTISM!!!!

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 20:07:24 GMT

a few clips from the hypnotism show at post prom...hopefully there'll be more!!! (make sure you watch the last two XD)

proof this is real...

Thu, 05 Apr 2007 01:59:57 GMT

...god dammit sean >_<

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 20:45:28 GMT

i love the colbert report and the decemberists more than anything.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 00:10:35 GMT

sometimes i wear black lipstick cuz i feel like it.